Children Are Our Mirrors

      Have you ever had the experience of listening to your voice come out of your grandchild’s mouth? It can be a pleasant experience if the child’s words reflect a positive lesson learned. It can also cause us to pause and think “Did I really say that?”  Those occasional glimpses of our behavior mirrored by our children are indicators of our importance as role models.    

      The power of modeling was recently brought home to me by my adult son. When he was growing up, his mother and I did not stress chores and allowances. We held the kids responsible for many things but chores were not front and center. In spite of our lax parenting, he has turned out to be a fastidious cleaner of  his own home. I asked him how he developed such skills despite our lack of focus on chores. He simply said, “ I saw you and mom do them”. His comment threw me into a review of my past behavior with the hope that I had made the right decisions. It also underlined the old saying, “actions speak louder than words”. 

      It dawned on me that the second act as role model has now begun with grandchildren. Our children learn what is modeled for them. They are the emotional and behavioral antennas of the family. They absorb the family vibes, process the energy and play it back in their own unique way. Some kids choose to internalize that family positive or negative energy. Other kids turn up the volume and play back the energy into the daily family drama. 

        As I thought about being a role model, I landed on the hard but true fact that I must first look at myself in the mirror.  Helping our children become good human beings starts with being honest with ourselves. It means taking an inventory of our own values. 

         Before sinking under a self imposed burden of responsibility, a fact from long ago came to mind and gave me comfort. There are two kinds of role models. A mastery model that shows the correct way to act without making mistakes. The second is the coping model that shows a person making mistakes but correcting them to achieve competence. Guess what? The coping model is the most effective. We don’t need to be perfect. We can be human beings that learn from our mistakes. So, if I drop the F-Bomb when frustrated, I can just model the correction. “Sometimes Papa gets frustrated and swears, I am trying not to do that!” 

        I find myself standing in front of the mirror quite a bit these days. Taking stock of values has taken on a new dimension and importance in our challenging and changing society. Being consistent yet flexible in the modeling of our values is a key part of the lifeline that we are weaving together for our children. 

        What values do you believe are most important to model for our children? What have you learned about being an effective role model? Please share your comments and make this a true resource for all.

        Till next time,

               Papa Jim